The Soul of Your Libido???

Okay, now that I have your attention, I have to make an announcement first. Me in my brilliance dropped some coffee on my keyboard and even though it isn't catastrophic, there's a few keys that won't work. SO I've posted three articles since Sunday for you for this week before I ship my baby off to be repaired. This is the third of them--and it's from an article called "Rekindling Desire--the soul of your libido" by Marcelle Pick, OB/GYN NP who's with Women to Women, a group I've mentioned before.

Here's the scoop -- and yes, if you want to read more of the article then click on this link: http://www.womentowomen.com/menopause/rekindlingdesire.asp?id=&campaignno=&AdGroup=&Keywords=&EmailID=76001

And for you "not at menopause" women who are reading this--even if you're a teen! Please, read on, cause she talks about self image as well which is important to all of us. Besides, someday you will be where I'm at and you'll absolutely love having some info about it now!

Now, Marcelle brings up a GREAT point--fear. Yeah, we're women of the 70's or earlier and we were 'liberated' then, but as we near our 50's we fear the unknown--what our bodies will become. Our society has a slim view towards the aging women. Sad but true. As Marcelle states, we "fear...becoming marginalized by a society that seems to only value youth. If any of these fears plague you, they can undermine your sex life in many ways and lead to a nosedive in self-esteem and desire. Our culture has painted a barren sexual landscape for most peri- and post-menopausal women. The message persists that an active, vibrant sex life at midlife is somehow inappropriate or unattainable, as if gravity exerts its pull not only on skin and body parts, but sex drive, too, and there’s nothing to do but accept it. But this is just so untrue!"

And isn't that good to know! I mean, who says that sex is only good for old men? Hey, wait a minute--I'm not old! I'm only 51! And to be marginalized at such a youthful time? I'm with Marcella. I want to enjoy sex for as long as I can. I love the special feelings between my husband and myself--sex INCLUDED. :-) And Marcella is reassuring in that sex is still great in our time and that some even find it BETTER at our age.

Now she talks about some of the changes that do happen. And don't we wish their was a training class on this?? I mean, they taught you about some changes in school, right? When you got your period, etc. But heck, what happens after that? No one talks about it and maybe it's time they did. (Thank you, Marcella and womentowomen.com.) Per Marcella, there are some physical changes that can make orgasm different or difficult (and on their site they have a discussion about loss of libido) but there's the emotional side as well. And as women, we certainly understand that. She tells us that just because we have a waning of fertility is no reason to stop thinking about ourselves as sexual creatures as nature gave us the ability to enjoy sexual pleasure for the duration of our lives. Besides, there's the important PHYSICAL BENEFITS to regular sex! (i.e.--"greater longevity, slower aging, lower risk of heart disease, improved fitness, and better sleep to name just a few — have been well studied and documented").

Now, she states: "You may be someone who celebrates your release from the tug of fleshly pursuits — and if you are, I encourage you to honor that. I know many women who find a great freedom in not being defined by their urges — or the lack of them. But I also know that many of the women I meet are saddened by their loss of desire in menopause. More than anything else they (and their partners) wish to get it back."

And, if you do, there's "The building blocks of desire " --

First, deal with the physical piece first. The hormonal shifts you may be experiencing are easy to diagnose and treat. Good nutrition (a subject near and dear to my heart) as well as some other supplementation, if needed, will provide great help to you during this time and help to reset your hormone balance to a healthy level, which, if this is the cause if your libido problem, it'll help restore your libido.

Next, as she says, "hormone shifts are only part of the picture. For many of my patients, the unseen changes at mid-life are less detrimental to their sex drives than external changes. As many women look at the mirror and take note of unwanted skin and hair changes, or shifts in musculature and weight, they may begin to get scared. Mentally, we may feel like a 20-year-old, but on the surface it seems as if our bodies are “falling apart.” Many of my patients describe a sense of no longer being in control. Some experience real panic, others become angry or depressed, while others begin to resign themselves to the wages of time." YIKES! Hey, wait a minute--I've experienced that myself!

As she points out, and I thought it important to highlight this: "self-esteem is critical for fostering desire. Unknowingly, women turn down their own desire thermometers by internalizing society’s adulation of the young “hot” body. We also live in a culture that has a very conflicted attitude about sex beyond its necessity for reproduction: corporations know it sells product, but as a society (in contrast to many European cultures) we are often a little prudish when it comes to encouraging sexual activity for pure pleasure. At a certain age, many women begin to buy into the idea that it is somehow undignified or inappropriate to yearn for sex and so they unconsciously sabotage their physical urges....Desire begins with a state of mind. "

Marcella tells us to go out and claim our desire! Give ourselves permission and say it's okay to be sexual. And make it a PRIORITY to fall in love with yourself again and see how truly desirable you are. WOW! Now, doesn't that make you feel good? So, don't let naysayers or anyone else put you down.

Now she talks about body image and how a good body image is the "best aphrodisiac" she knows yet this perception eludes most women. WHY? I ask. Because it is, and has been, also a problem for me. She states part of this as our upbringing and I can see that. We're taught to be desirable by the crazy commericals on the TV instead of listening to ourselves and others about how they see us.

Her quote: "Dissatisfaction with their bodies is so pervasive that a huge segment of women live in a storm of negative thoughts from adolescence on — a negativity that is fueled by the media, super-skinny models, and cosmetically altered and retouched icons of beauty. Women slave at the gym, starve themselves and sap their natural strength and sensuality to live up to some unattainable, cultural ideal, then internally berate themselves when they can’t. It’s no wonder that many women continue to obsess internally over their perceived physical imperfections into adulthood and middle age.

A potent antidote to this negativity is the ability to attract a lover. In other words, if someone else finds our body attractive, we conclude that we must be attractive. But as the years pass, and the veil of sex hormones falls back with its accompanying physical changes, relying on external validation to feel attractive gets dicey. Many of my patients tell me, “I used to get upset when a man would stare at me as I walked down the street. I didn’t realize then how upsetting it would be to walk down the street and have no one notice. I feel invisible.” "

Good Lord! Is that as true for you as it is for me? Marcella tells us that one of the "joys of menopause" is the opportunity to really examine your inner beliefs about beauty and personal power. It’s a time to shrug off the cultural ideal of what’s attractive and discover what you think is beautiful about yourself. Instead of feeling good about yourself only because you’re chosen by someone else, menopause is a time to learn how to do the choosing yourself. After all, whose opinion would you rather rely on, your own or some stranger’s on the street?"

And boy, I really agree. How empowering!

She goes on to tell us how to fuel our personal power.

"In life, every exchange we have with our internal self or with others is a kind of transaction that can leave us feeling emotionally enriched, neutral or depleted. The personal transactions that leave you feeling depleted are those that take away your power. When you allow others to dictate how attractive you are, you give them control over something very valuable indeed.

One way to start taking back your power is to learn to love your body in all its wonderful limitations and possibilities. This means finding tools that help you tap into your inner wellspring of beauty on a daily basis. One big one is to make the right supportive choices in nutrition and lifestyle that let you and your body feel well.

Protecting your power also means getting help in shifting your emotional energy to a place where you can truly hear and accept compliments and affirmations. This means learning how to redirect your mind every time the negativity script starts to play. It’s often not easy, as any woman who has really struggled with her self-esteem and appearance can tell you.....

If you commit to doing this work, I can promise you a big pay-off. You will find yourself enjoying your body and easing into a new level of comfort with yourself that is truly, undeniably sexy.

And once you’ve mastered the storm of negativity, the question becomes how to turn down the noise in your everyday life so you can feel your desire when it eventually returns. "

Wow.

She goes on to tells us how to de-stress our lives, to experience our fantasies and reminds us that fantasies, such as what we experienced as teens, allow us to experience in some form what we like! (A revelation to me.) She states that our earlier experiences also "helped shape your mindset to accept love and passion when it came along" and that the fastest way to bring back sexual excitement is to "make time for it." Make it a priority by uncluttering your life of stress.

And to talking with your partner about your needs. Per Marcella: "We have a saying at the practice: “If your upper lips don’t talk, the lower ones will,” which means that if you can’t say it out loud, your body will do it for you. If you are having difficulty in your relationship on an emotional level, it will influence your physical relations and eventually your desire may wane.... Learning to love and protect yourself is one step; figuring out what you need in bed is another."

Now, she's got other pointers and more info, and they can put together a personal plan for you as well. Contact them. But most of all, love yourself. Remember you ARE a sexual creature and are beautiful, have VALUE and a lot to give. Let's not forget that about ourselves!

Many blessings and best of health! See you here in a week or so--after the baby comes home.

~ Lise

How much danger would you face for the perfect romance? Lise Fuller, http://www.lisefuller.com/, www.myspace.com/lisefuller, ROMANTIC TIMES REVIEWERS CHOICE NOMINEE, 2006; Pikes Peak Romance Writers 2006 Author of the Year, Best Newsletter Article for 2006 Colorado Romance Wrtiers

~On Danger's Edge, print-03/07, available in e-book, Cerridwen Press, http://www.cerridwenpress.com/, 4 1/2 Stars from Romantic Times

~Intimate Deceptions, available in e-book, Cerridwen Press, http://www.cerridwenpress.com/, RECOMMENDED READS from Coffee Time Romance and Joyfully Reviewed

~Cutting Loose, print-04/07, available in e-book, Cerridwen Press, http://www.cerridwenpress.com/